It Isn't New

This thing they call thinking.

To me it's a natural, day-to-day thing where time slowly ticks by and the brain begins to process thoughts. The brain is always processing.

My brain, on the other hand, can't help itself.

It seems that having some type of epilepsy, or complex partial seizures has taken it's toll on my brain. The mushy matter layered between bone and skin. My brain doesn't work like it used to, or at least I think it doesn't.

Today, in fact, my brain freaked out and decided to cause quite a commotion in my right temporal lobe. A feeling of severe familiarity crept it's way into my mind, my thoughts, while Chris and I were driving home from San Diego.

It was a car that was passing us that seemed familiar, then the song playing on the compact disc, and suddenly all of my surroundings became too familiar. It was a sensory overload.

I had to turn the radio off, shut my eyes and breathe.

There is this "pain" that correlates itself to my seizures. I can't truly find a definition or some resemblance of a word that would best describe it.

I freeze from the inside out. But it isn't cold, it's a burning, sharp sensation. Along with striking pain in my head, mostly related with the right side, but again I cannot call this "pain" for it isn't pain. It's more frightening than pain.

How do you define something that has more horror behind it than an Alfred Hitchcock movie?

Combined with uneasy sleep, bitchiness from Levetiracetam, and occasional "de ja vu" seizures, it is hard to find a happy junction on the streets of neurological problems.

I have resorted to taking exquisitely long naps, gorging myself with the internet, and attempting to alleviate massive stress in my life. Though with each new development, it seems as though I am having to resort to more drastic measures just to put myself at ease.

To become stronger.

As my world spins backwards, there are so many more people with worlds that spin crazily. Especially in my family, it seems.

It's difficult living with something as bothersome, and nearly uncontrollable at the moment, as my seizures have been.

So strange to call them seizures, because I picture Grand Mal seizures as genuine epilepsy...not some "aura" laden "de ja vu" complex partial seizures "of the right temporal lobe."

Ugh, give me a book about Jack and Sally and how, in their perfect little world, nothing horrifying exists.